6 Ways Parents of Estranged Adult Children Can Find Help at Church
The Benefits of the Church
You’ve probably heard this passage many times: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6). However, like much of the wisdom in this biblical book, this is a generally true statement about human behavior, not a universal truth. We have examples of saints in the Bible whose children misbehaved, from pastor’s children (e.g., Eli’s boys) to the sons of good kings (e.g., David).The ultimate parent, the Lord, also lamented over his wayward children: “Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the Lord has spoken: ‘Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me’” (Isa. 1:2).
Sometimes parents of estranged adult children feel shame when no one has condemned them. This can be true when a parent shares this hurt and church members are caught off guard—they truly don’t know how to help or even what to say. Other times, overzealous church leaders communicate shame to parents when they misunderstand the circumstances. Church members of younger children may look for flaws in estranged parents out of fear—to reassure themselves that their own children will not follow a similar path.
Loving Your Adult Children
Gaye B. Clark
Loving Your Adult Children offers gospel hope to parents who struggle with pain in their relationships with their adult children. It reorients their focus—pointing to Christ as the only source of lasting peace and to his gospel as the only hope for lasting relationships.
Overall, parents need to give themselves grace as well as extend grace to others when their relationship with their adult children causes them pain and attending church is difficult. But despite the struggles, there is help for parents through the local church. Here are some ways to find it:
Find a kindred spirit. Parents who have previously endured estrangement with their adult children are in a unique position to offer empathy to other parents who are struggling with the same situation. They can be prayer partners and listening ears in many tough circumstances. This can dispel the myth that parents are alone in their struggles.
“Weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). Job’s friends did a good job of consoling him—until they opened their mouths. Similarly, often the first, best care for a hurting parent is a sense of presence and empathy in their pain. In fact, even parents who need confrontation and accountability can receive those best when the church first loves them and listens to their concerns. Don’t be shy about letting friends in your church know when you are not doing well and you need empathy and support more than advice.
Call for the elders. I’ve heard many church members lament that their elder or deacon never called them during a crisis. But the Bible gives a specific exhortation for laity to take the initiative in requesting visitation from church leadership (James 5:13–14). Leaders cannot read minds. How do we expect them to help if we don’t tell them about our need? We don’t have to be physically sick to call them. Our need can be a sickness of heart or soul.
God’s word is our best tool to equip us for parenting.
Join a small group. Bible studies, small groups, and Sunday school classes can shrink the off-putting size of a large church into a smaller, more intimate community. They also create an opportunity for parents to study and pray together. In our small groups through the years, I’ve had friends who have buried children, and we’ve wept together at the grave. We’ve also seen miraculous recoveries and rejoiced when they occurred. We’ve helped each other move. Their kids feel like ours. When a friend’s son hit a rough patch with his dad, the son called my husband. “Can you meet my dad for breakfast? You know, see how things are going at home and all?” Behind this boy’s call was an SOS of sorts. My husband called his dad right after talking with his son, never letting on the young man prompted him to do it.
Accept instruction and redirection. There are plenty of instances of my parental failure, often discovered by church members who loved me enough to confront me. (After all, no one wants to read an article titled “How I Was a Superstar at Parenting.”) These stories show how the church is a safe place to build relationships with people who can speak into your life with both truth and love in a way that refreshes your soul. I am grateful for the many men and women who loved my husband and me enough to tell us when we were wrong at the right time and in the right way. My children are especially grateful.
If you feel that church is irrelevant, how will you build lifelong relationships that are safe, faithful, and loving enough to redirect you when you miss the mark with your kids? And if you aren’t in church, who are your kids going to feel comfortable enough in calling when they don’t feel they can come directly to you? It is all too easy to slip into the false mindset of deterministic parenting that believes right behavior will always lead to good outcomes and wrong behavior will always lead to bad outcomes. No; we are saved by grace alone, through faith alone. I thank God for wiser parents in the church who offered my husband and me instruction and encouragement in raising our children.
Overall, this mutual exhortation builds up the body of Christ unto the next generation. Our children learn that the church is a resource for them as well as their parents. They learn that God requires obedience and submission from all believers, not just women and children.
Pay attention to God’s word preached and taught. “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16–17). God’s word is our best tool to equip us for parenting. He uses it to bring instruction, conviction, and repentance. And when our adult children see true change in us as parents, they are more likely to hear the words we speak to them. Yet, it isn’t enough to read the Bible on your own at home. You also need to hear God’s word preached in the presence of your brothers and sisters in Christ.
This article is adapted from Loving Your Adult Children: The Heartache of Parenting and the Hope of the Gospel by Gaye B. Clark.
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