An Open Letter to the Spouse of an Unbeliever

This article is part of the Open Letters series.

Dear Friend,

I heard that you are married to an unbeliever and could use some encouragement. I wish you and I could sit down over coffee together and I could hear about your specific struggles. But for now, I pray that God will graciously use my words here to comfort and strengthen you.

God has some specific instructions for a believer married to an unbeliever. Since God commands believers not to marry an unbeliever, you might wonder, Does God want me to stay married to my unbelieving spouse? Thankfully, God’s word is clear. No matter how you got here, if your unbelieving spouse consents to live with you, you should not get divorced. (1 Cor. 7:12–16) If you have children, raise them as Christians, as best as you can by God’s grace.

This same passage says that if your spouse decides to leave you, however sad this may be, let your spouse go. You are called to peace. It is not your fault, and the Lord will sustain you.

While we can thank God for his clear instructions about whether or not you should stay married, a continuing marriage to an unbeliever can still leave you with some serious hardships. What encouragement does God’s word offer you as you face these challenges? A lot.

Gospel-Shaped Marriage

Chad Van Dixhoorn, Emily Van Dixhoorn

In Gospel-Shaped Marriage, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn give a concise assessment of the biblical design for marriage while offering practical advice for married life from a grace-filled perspective.

No matter the type of trial, when I am looking for encouragement in my suffering, I like to turn to the expert: the apostle Paul. He suffered at an Olympic level (see 2 Cor. 11:16–33 for a long list), and he not only survived but he thrived! How does this work? Paul considered everything a loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus his Lord. (Phil. 3:8) Will you consider making Paul’s aim in his suffering your aim in your marriage? Can you consider your marriage to your unbelieving spouse as God’s invitation for you to get to know him better through suffering?

You might wonder, What specific truths about God can satisfy me in my marriage to an unbeliever? Here are ten:

1. God is with you.

Even while you are married, you may sometimes feel lonely. This makes sense. So long as you are united to Jesus and your spouse is not, an invisible gulf separates you two. While you may sometimes experience loneliness, you are not alone in it. God is with you, and he will never leave you or forsake you. (Heb. 13:5; Deut. 31:6) Let his presence comfort you.

2. God is mighty to save. (Zeph. 3:17)

Years of watching someone reject Jesus can tempt you to think your spouse is beyond God’s reach. Remember: the one who made the mountains, the one who parted the seas and raised Jesus from the dead—he can save your spouse. Nothing is impossible for God. Look how many times people in the Bible needed to hear this: Matthew 19:26; Luke 1:37; Mark 10:27; Job 42:2; Jeremiah 32:17; Genesis 18:14; and Luke 18:27! Sing this truth, drive it into your heart, and keep praying for your spouse’s salvation. Don’t give up. God can soften your spouse’s heart, even today. (Ezek. 36:26)

3. God alone has the power to save.

You can’t save your spouse! In your earnest desire for your spouse’s salvation, you may be tempted to think, If only I pray enough and if only I live a more godly life, my spouse will be saved. Don’t be fooled. Forget the if onlys. You don’t get the credit or the blame for your spouse’s spiritual state. Salvation is all of God’s grace and his alone. Romans 8:30 makes God’s sovereign role in salvation clear: “those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.” Your spouse’s salvation is all of him!

4. God can use you in your spouse’s salvation.

While you are not responsible for your spouse’s salvation, God can use you. (1 Peter 3:1–2) Just think of who he used in your salvation! Parents, friends, a pastor? Let your unique opportunity to be used by God add meaning, purpose, and joy to your life.

5. God delights to answer prayer. (Ps. 37:4; John 16:23–24; 1 Peter 3:12)

Keep praying for your spouse. If you have slacked off in prayer (and who hasn’t?), ask God to forgive you and to help you to start praying again until the day God brings your spouse to salvation. Ask God to show his saving grace to your spouse, not just for your convenience but for your spouse’s good and for the glory of God’s grace. And what an opportunity you have to show God’s grace! Use your knowledge of your spouse not to store up complaints against your spouse but to inform your prayers for your spouse. Remember, Jesus ever lives to intercede for you. It’s your privilege to pass God’s grace on by interceding for your spouse.

God wants to save his people, and in his timing he will. So do not lose heart.

6. God forgives all your sins.

Do you catch yourself sometimes not wanting to pass God’s grace on to your spouse? When you find your heart wanting to hold a grudge, heed Jesus’s gracious warning in the parable of the unforgiving servant. (Matt. 18:21–35) He was rebuked for not forgiving a small debt after he had been forgiven a large one. Remember that God does not treat us as our sins deserve. (Ps. 103:10, 12) Indeed, he keeps no record of our wrongs. (1Cor. 13:5; Micah 7:19) Will you, in reliance upon God’s grace, resist the temptation to keep a record of your spouse’s wrongs, and instead, obey God’s command to forgive your spouse just as God, in Christ, has forgiven you? (Eph. 4:32) If so, this will be a powerful daily testimony to your lost spouse.

7. God is working. (John 5:17)

Do not be too discouraged by your spouse’s sin. The presence of sin does not mean God is not at work in your spouse’s life. Remember, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8) If you face serious sin directed towards you or your children, turn to your elders, your pastor, and faithful counselors to support you in discerning a wise path. Safety may require temporary or permanent separation from your unbelieving spouse. But it might not. What opportunities is God giving you to highlight the gospel even amidst sin?

8. God is conforming you to the image of Christ. (Col. 3:10; Rom. 8:29; 2 Cor. 3:18)

You may feel the loss of dreams you had for yourself, how your home would be run, how your children would be raised, and how you would share your deepest longings. Perhaps your closest friends enjoy these blessings, making you all the more painfully aware of what you lack. Remember, God calls each of us to die to self and to serve others in love—whether we are married or single, healthy or sick, rich or poor. In God’s providence, your suffering, at least a portion of it, comes through your being married to an unbeliever. What assurance can you find that God will use your marriage to an unbeliever to conform you to the image of Christ? (Rom. 8:28–29)

9. God is for you.

You might wonder, If God is for me, why hasn’t he given me a believing spouse? While God’s word does not answer this question, it does tell you in no uncertain terms that he is not punishing you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Rom. 8:1) God still gives us fatherly discipline to lead us to repentance, but he does not punish us. Christ took all of the punishment for our sins. Will you trust God that he is not using your marriage hardships to punish you but to refine you? (James 1:2)

10. God’s timing is perfect. (Hab. 2:3)

You likely wish your spouse was saved yesterday, if not before! But God’s ways are not our ways, and his timing is not our timing. (Isa. 55:8–9) His ways are higher, and his timing is perfect. Hear the apostle Peter speak to this, and apply it to you: “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:8). God wants to save his people, and in his timing, he will. So do not lose heart. Wait patiently. (Lam. 3:25–26) Look at others like Esther, Ruth, and Joseph, whose lives in hindsight displayed God’s perfect timing with clarity. How is God encouraging you to trust his timing in your marriage to an unbeliever?

As I close, I don’t want to leave you alone. I urge you to continue going to church and meeting with other Christians for Bible study and prayer. Don’t be too shy to ask for prayer. The apostle Paul and Jesus did! I would love to hear how God answers these prayers for you and your spouse. Here is my prayer for you:

Dear Father, I praise you that you are with my friend. You are mighty to save, and you alone can save. Would you please use my friend in your plan of salvation? Please show your delight in answering prayer, and save my friend’s spouse. May my friend rejoice in how you forgive all our sins, how you are at work even now, and how you are conforming us to the image of your Son. Please give my friend patience to trust your perfect timing. I trust you will reveal yourself in my friend’s marriage, all for praise of your glory. In the name of the one and only perfect bridegroom to the church, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

Your sister in Christ,
Emily

Emily Van Dixhoorn is coauthor with Chad Van Dixhoorn of Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints.

Emily Van Dixhoorn (MAR, Westminster Theological Seminary) is a stay-at-home mom who leads and loves Bible studies and women’s retreats. Her first publication was a study guide to the book Confessing the Faith, a commentary on the Westminster Confession of Faith. Chad and Emily have five children.