Answering Kids’ Hardest Questions: Why Don’t I Fit In with My Friends?

This article is part of the Answering Kids’ Hardest Questions series.

God Makes Us Unique

As a parent, if your child comes to you and says, “I don’t feel like I fit in with my friends and I want to. What can I do?” your heart probably sinks because we love our children, and we want everyone to love our children as much as we do. But that question is actually a really great opportunity to talk about peer pressure and about how God made them. I’m so glad they’re coming to you with the question.

You might start by just acknowledging that you remember what it feels like. If you can remember a time when you really wanted to fit in as a child, tell them that story. Stories go a long way in showing that you remember what it’s like to be a child and that they’re not alone in having that feeling that they don’t fit in.

Arlo and the Keep-Out Club

Betsy Childs Howard

Arlo and the Keep-Out Club teaches kids ages 3–7 about the danger of peer pressure, the benefits of doing right, and the joy of putting their trust in Jesus as their ultimate friend and comforter in times of loneliness.

And then you might say something like:

“It’s tempting to think that if we have the right clothes or shoes or the same talents and gifts that other people have that we’ll fit in, because sometimes we feel uncomfortable around our friends. But actually, God made you unique. He gave you particular gifts and tastes and a personality, and having confidence in the person that God made you to be is very attractive to other people.

“So if you’re feeling uncomfortable around your friends and you want people to like you, I would suggest that you look for somebody else who might be feeling uncomfortable and you talk to them. You try to be their friend. You try to make them comfortable. If you get your eyes off yourself and thinking about what you look like and what people think of you, you’ll probably feel a lot more comfortable.

And that person may not have been the person you originally wanted to like you, but you may discover they’re a lot of fun. And you’ll be embracing the person God made you to be and loving your neighbor, and that’s very attractive to other people. It will help people learn to love you for who God made you to be. And I believe that if you embrace who you are and what you like without trying so hard to be what you think other people want, you’ll end up with better friends than if you just try to fit in.”

Betsy Childs Howard is the author of Arlo and the Keep-Out Club.

Betsy Childs Howard (MA, Beeson Divinity School) is an editor for the Gospel Coalition. She is the author of Arlo and the Great Big Cover-Up and Seasons of Waiting. Betsy lives with her family in Birmingham, Alabama, where her husband pastors Grace Church.

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